I’m not going to lie. This past year has been a huge challenge for me. From a difficult pregnancy with HG, to adjusting to life with a newborn and being a mom of three, to moving across the country with a three month old, to the daily battle of postpartum depression.
During these times I struggle spiritually. Cognitively, I have faith and hope and trust, but on an emotional level I have, at times, felt abandoned by God. I have cried out, “LORD, where are you? Why have you brought me to this place?” The darkness can be overwhelming.
Then there is the guilt. The guilt for not supporting my husband and children to the level and depth I feel I should. The guilt for not being able to be present with friends and family for this season of my life. The guilt for not being enough. The guilt gives way to numbness and impatience. I lose the ability to connect and move to a place of simple survival.
Then I cry out, “LORD, where are you now? Why can’t I see You? Why can’t I hear You? I need You now! I can’t meet you half way. I can’t give You all of me, there is nothing left to give! Where are You? Why aren’t you here?”
I grasp at every straw I can find, pleading for a breakthrough, begging to feel His touch, longing to feel human, to feel anything again. But still . . . nothing. No answers. No comfort. No healing. Only fear, and guilt, and loneliness. Only a voice inside screaming to give up, telling me I’m all alone.
Yet. There is something deep inside me still that says no. No. I am not alone. That is a lie and it is whispered from the father of lies. I know that He who is Truth is with me. I must be patient. I must continue to wait and to grasp. I cannot give up.
And then a light, a glimmer, a word.
21For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 22He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 24He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 25For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
~ 1 Peter 2:21-25
It touches something deep within. Am I waking up? Am I living again? I am reminded of Paul and Silas. I am not entirely unlike them. My chains are not made of iron but they shackle me tightly and have no mercy. I am not loosed, but I have breath enough to sing. And I will sing. I will sing with all that is in me and I will hope.
And as I sing, new life swells within me. He is here. He has never left me. He never will. My songs of praise will not cease. Even more, His love, care, faithfulness, and deliverance knows no end. He will free me. I need only sing.