Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mom with Two Young Children

“I can’t do it.” The thought keeps ringing in my ears. “I am simply not cut out for this motherhood thing.”

Timothy had his first round of shots yesterday and he doesn’t feel well. Samuel is his typical, precocious two-and-a-half year old self in need of a constant playmate. I have to pump to feed Timothy. I am exhausted – too tired to stay on my feet long enough to wear Timothy in the front pack. I am hurting. I have overdone and am in pain from my prolapsed uterus. I don’t start treatment for another week and a half. Did I mention I’m exhausted? I have help. Even so I feel like things are falling apart. If that’s so, how on earth will I do this by myself? I can’t do this.

My husband is amazing – helping with the house, cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, baths, night wakings, etc. Who am I kidding? It’s more like I help him with these things. I feel like a sorry excuse for a homemaker.

I am burnt out. I need sleep. I need a break. Oh, if only motherhood was like teaching – eight hours a day with the kids, 100% engaged, then the rest of the day to do everything else, to rejuvenate, to do what I need to make those eight hours amazing.

But I really don’t want that. I want to be with my kids as they discover all the little mysteries of every day life. But I’m not doing that now. I’m trying to juggle pumping, a crying baby, a little boy desperate for attention and the lunch still on the table.

How do they do it? How did they do it? Women have done this for hundreds of years with way more responsibility and far less help than I have or could dream of. How did they do it? Am I really that much of a wuss?

I love my boys (including my husband) to death! That’s part of the problem. I want to give them so much more! They deserve so much more. They need more. I just don’t have it to give. I love being a mom, but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.


5 thoughts on “Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mom with Two Young Children

  1. “They deserve so much more. They need more. I just don’t have it to give.”
    But you are giving! You are giving everything you have. That is precious, in and of itself. You are giving your baby boy breast milk. That is precious, too, and he will be the better for it for the rest of his life. Don’t be discouraged! You are giving, and that is what counts! You are doing a work that will last for eternity, you are pursuing the most noble calling. Motherhood is not a noble occupation only when the mother has everything together, rather, it is a beautiful work just because the mother gives herself to her children, because she brings a child into the world and teaches him to love Jesus.
    The path of life may look dim to you right now, but remember that the One who holds eternity knows no dimness of sight. The answers to all your questions are to big for you to see right now, and so He is holding them for you. Courage, sister! Remember that even when your life seems to be falling apart, Jesus is holding it together. And He will never let you down.
    To quot the words of one of my favorite songs:
    “Bow the knee!
    Trust the heart of your Father
    When the answer goes beyond what you can see!
    Bow the knee!
    Lift you eyes toward heaven and believe the One
    Who holds eternity!
    And when you don’t understand the purpose of His plan,
    In the presence of the King,
    Bow the knee.”

    • Beautiful! Thank you! *Hugs* God is giving me more good days and teaching me that it is OK to let go sometimes. Still learning how to juggle it all, but it’s a great adventure.

  2. Oh, oh, oh…my heart aches for you. The pressure of being a young, stay-at-home-mother is sometimes painful, even if we’d feel awful for thinking of it that way. Have you talked to your doctor? I mean, I have been (often quietly) following you for quite a long time, now, so I understand you might not be keen to the idea of medical intervention, but sometimes…you need a happy pill, too (I do not mean it light-heartedly or without the appropriate seriousness). Sometimes we just need a little something to help our brains sort through it all.
    People constantly say to me that they don’t have the patience or the capacity to be a stay-at-home-mother or a homeschooling family. I always say back, “Neither do I!” We must work through these things – with God, with the help of our family, a listening ear, many naps, and sometimes…just sometimes…a doctor.
    Sending love…

  3. maybe you need a part time job. Tutoring, substitute…I don’t like going to work but when I feel like this it is great to be able to step away and feel better about myself as a wife and mother. I am sure you can find someone to watch your kids. And Pumping at work is great…another break to relax without distraction. Not sure if you belong to a mother’s group but getting out with the kids is fun also.

    • I know for some people part-time work is helpful. I think it would just add to my stress. One more thing seeking my attention. I don’t know how other moms do it.

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