Mourn the Loss, Rejoice in the Blessings

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Samuel woke up feeling better this morning. He is still a bit under the weather, but huge improvement from yesterday.

It seems that Timothy’s lip tie is growing back. That means nursing is getting more painful again despite our best efforts. We are waiting on a call back to see what to do from here.

I am also a bit discouraged today as well. Based on medical advice and our own prayerful consideration, we have decided that this will be our last pregnancy. It’s hard because we really wanted more children. For the most part, I am honestly relieved. Pregnancy, delivery and recovery are so hard for me that I cannot take care of and enjoy the children I already have. And, to be honest, I’m not a baby person.

That first year is hard for me. I love how cute and sweet babies are, but the fact that their primary communication is crying really stresses me out. Am I doing the right thing? Why is baby crying? I feel quite confined to the house for the first year, and it’s lonely. Yet, there is something sweet about holding a sleeping baby and the joy and excitement of meeting a new little person.

Part of me feels like if I could just have a normal pregnancy, recovery, breastfeeding experience and baby who isn’t in constant pain (Praise the LORD we got the latter this time around.), things would be different and fairy tale like. I feel like I have missed out on something that I want to be a part of. I know the truth is that I am blessed – so blessed. We didn’t know if we could have any children, and here we have two sweet boys! What a HUGE blessing.

I am blessed, and may God always help me to see those blessings, but today I am taking a little time to mourn what I will never have.

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Samuel was super excited to get his big boy underwear (training pants) in the mail today. I promise, he does know where they go. 😉

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